Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
