i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
