Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
