if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
