No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
