Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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