woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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