Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
