I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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