Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
