Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
