I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Randomize
