my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
