I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
