I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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