you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
