I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
