Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
