i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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