Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
