Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He shit in the fireplace
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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