I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
