It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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