just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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