this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
