Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
