I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i permit you to call me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
