Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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