By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
