I want to stick my p in your. b.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize