babies were throwing up all over the place
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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