First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
