I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
