Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
