puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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