Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize