I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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