I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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