You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
