i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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