you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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