Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
