I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
