Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
