I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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