just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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