some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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