i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize