there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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