Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
