better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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