I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
