yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
two words...techno handjob
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
