my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
