There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
