This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
