I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
