i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
