I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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