Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
