I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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