You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How does it feel to date your dad?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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