i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize