im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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