It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
