She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just invented taco cereal.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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