im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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