have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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