oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
