Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize