just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
